How To Be a Heretic in Three Easy Steps

How to be a hereticAre you tired of “the gospel”, and all this “free-grace” stuff going around? Don’t you just wish we could go back to the good-ol-days of Christian legalism? Well then I have some great news for you!

I have what you’re looking for! In this article I want to help YOU become a bonafide heretic in just THREE EASY STEPS! Can you say, wow!?

I guarantee your success! My three step program is 100% guaranteed to make Christianity all about you. But that’s not all! My three step program also includes a FREE guarantee that you will never need to trust in Jesus, believe the Gospel, or even NEED the Gospel ever again!

Sound fun? Well, let’s get started!

STEP 1: You believe the true truth, and everyone else who disagrees with you is wrong! 

You are always right! You’re beliefs don’t need to be “challenged” or “studied out”, just believe whatever you like, and find a few good bible verses to back yourself up!

That’s what’s so great about the bible. You can literally say anything you want, and throw a bible verse on it- then call it truth! It really is THAT easy!

Let’s say you want to teach your church to follow the ten commandment. Forget the rest of the law, just use the palatable ones! “The big ten” – so to speak. Plaster the ten commandments on the church’s wall, get them into the local schools, and even make t-shirts so no one in your town ever forgets that they are under the LAW!

buzzMake sure everyone knows that Christianity is all about rule keeping!

And of course, you have to be “biblical.” So do a quick internet search, and slap on a good-old-fasioned completely-out-of-context bible verse! That’s all it takes!

Just in case that doesn’t convince them, slap a few letters after your name. You can do whatever you want with the bible after you’ve been to bible school! A degree is your license to be right. Good for you, theologian!

STEP 2: Make the bible difficult to understand, and establish yourself as the only one who truly gets it!

You’re the ordained bible scholar at your church. Start acting like it! Make sure everyone knows that their ability to understand the bible and hear from God is fallible compared to your abilites. I mean, this is your job! You’re a professional bible-interpretter. As a pastor, you need to feed your helpless sheep the truth of the bible because let’s be honest- they are incapable of doing so themselves! Without you, they’d starve!

Make sure every time you present the bible to people you use big fancy words, and long explanations to discourage everyone who hears you! Don’t try to make it simple, make it difficult! Then no one will question your opinions- err.. I mean- the truth!

The key here is authority. You are the authority of your church. Make sure everyone knows it. Anyone who disagrees with you is dishonoring and rebellious towards leadership. Excommunicate them from the church slowly by rejecting them in the name of “rebuking” their “heresy”. Remember, YOU are the expert. No one can challenge you!

You went to bible school, you know the bible more than anyone else does. Your congregation is “allowed” to think for themselves, just as long as they think YOUR thoughts! Isn’t it great to be king?!

STEP 3: See that Christ’s work didn’t “really” finish the job. 

When Jesus said, “it is finished”, He didn’t really mean it. He was being.. um.. metaphorical!

Be realistic, friend! Jesus wasn’t actually capable of saving humanity from sin, and freeing us all from the sinful nature. That’s ludicrous! Sin is way more powerful than Jesus!

Besides, even if Jesus’ work is finished, our work obviously isn’t! We’ve got to work harder, and do more stuff if we’re going to save the world! We need more ministry programs, and evangelism techniques. Jesus has left us all alone with the hard part. It’s our job as Christians to save the world! Jesus was just the

We don’t need “faith” anymore now that we’re saved. We’re saved by faith, but we have to keep working really hard in order to keep ourselves saved after that! It’s easy to get in, but it’s so hard to stay in! Jesus can easily send you out of the Kingdom of God for not praying enough, missing to much church, not reading the bible enough, not confessing your sins enough, and even being wrong! (According to your standard of wrong- I mean- the bible’s standard of wrong!)

So get out there and start doing whatever it takes to get your church working! We’re not supposed to enjoy God, we’re supposed to work hard for Him! None of the sloppy “grace” stuff. Make sure everyone’s out and about working up a sweat for Jesus! Make them carry crosses, “serve” at events, set up the chairs, preach to their friends, and make you coffee in the morning!

The best tool for motivating your lazy church members is fear! Put some holy fear in them. They’ve got to get working, or else God won’t be happy with them! Yea, they might still get into heaven, but they won’t have any reward! An eternity with Jesus isn’t enough, you need to work hard and earn your big house in the sky. Earn stuff, work harder, and always preach fear!

Really push hard with this one. Make sure everyone is in tears by the end of your sermon. Repentance should be all that you preach! Besides, we should work hard to be better people! No need to trust in Jesus, and His righteousness in us. Work hard, and you’ll make yourself holy! Your own efforts matter way more than Christ’s!


So let’s recap our steps:

the-laugh-echo-in-practice1. Know that you believe the true truth, and and if anyone disagrees with you they are wrong!

2. Make yourself the expert in the bible. Use fancy words, get degrees, whatever it takes to make sure your understanding of the bible is the only understanding allowed!

3. Don’t preach Jesus, the Gospel, or grace too much. Make sure everyone knows how much they need to work! We can’t have lazy church members, we need workers in the Kingdom!

If you follow these three easy steps I guarantee that you will be well on your way to becoming a true heretic! But just don’t tell anyone. We can’t have people reading the bible for themselves, and understanding the Good News. That would ruin the whole “Christian” system we’ve established for thousands of years!

Best of luck budding heretics! May the fear of the Lord be ever on your side!

(In case you haven’t noticed, this article is obviously written as sarcasm. I hope you’ve found it humorous!) 

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